Yes, my annual day of deep thought about my life has come again. Saddest part about it is I think about the same things every year. I have thought about this same subject for the past 3 or 4 years now.
My social and love lives are pieces of shit.
I haven't had a boyfriend in years and years, I haven't even had people like me in forever (no one that I know of), I don't have very many close friends and never really have, and I find it difficult to make friends. Have I liked people? Of course. Do I have friends? Well, yeah. So what's the problem? I think this is the best answer I'll ever be able to give myself...
I'm a very shy person and I have been told on several occasions that I'm very unique and hard to understand at times. People my age often don't understand me and don't understand the way I see things. I am very mature and have been for a long time. I remember people thinking I was in high school when I was a 6th and 7th grader because I was very well spoken, opinionated, and smart. As a result, people around me found me weird and always told me things like I should lighten up, I should have more fun, and that I should stop trying to be people's mom. I actually still hear that often and I'm 21 years old now.
I guess we could start as far back as I can remember.
Elementary school was never fun for me. When it came to peers I was never well liked. I got picked on and secluded from the "main groups" a lot. I had friends but they were always kind of on the same wavelength as me. They were shy, weird, or fellow fat kids that no one else really liked. When it came to boys I was always seen as one of the guys, even back then. I would come to school with my Mariners hat, jeans, sneakers, and baseball glove in hopes that I could play with the guys at recess and lunch. The fact that I almost never got to play was beside the point. None of them ever liked me. I started playing girl's softball on a team (Spartans, FTW) and I made one really good friend on that team out of like 14-15 girls. We would always go to each other's birthday parties and stuff like that and I remember my mom telling me once that everyone thought I was weird and boyish because I wanted action figures instead of lip gloss and glitter. Excuse me for wanting to play wrestling guys with my older brother and my friends at school, right? Bitches. I mainly hate females to this day.
I "dated" (whatever you call it at that age) this boy in 5th grade for almost the whole year and we broke up a little before the year ended. We were both little chunked out, rock music loving nerds that would play wrestling guys at recess. We had a little group that we had nicknames for with our other friends. I had the biggest crush on one of the other boys in our group and I remember us "dating" for like 3 weeks and it just kind of fizzled out. Kids that age are fooling themselves with that stuff, lol. I still talk to him and we apparently are in like with each other still, but nothing ever happens. Life, college, and growing up happens. We went to different middle schools and didn't talk for 3 years. Seeing him at freshman orientation when we started high school was just complete gift.
When I reached middle school I was still a fairly quiet, fat kid and I wasn't always the happiest pre-teen at Mrachek. I struggled with some things and it took me a couple of years to just find a semi-comfortable place to be. To get to that semi-comfortable place I felt the need to grow up in my own mind. I didn't want to deal with this petty crap that everyone else made such a big deal about; stuff like dating, make-up, sex, and dressing like a whore. I just never saw the point in overly girly things and the things all the popular kids were wasting so much time on. In 6th grade I was more than happy in a hoodie, jeans, and some Chucks or Vans playing Tech Deck mini-skateboards and bikes with some of the boys at lunch.
Sure I made friends eventually, but they seemed to worry other people like my mom. By the time the end of 6th grade and the beginning of 7th grade rolled around the people I befriended were the "goth" kids that wore all black and studs and were all anti-social. The unfortunate part for her and anyone else is I was one of them. People didn't like me and they always found something to pick at. I wanted to just ignore them and hanging with people that also wanted to ignore them was really easy to do. I suppose it's every parent's dream to have a happy, thin daughter wearing make-up and pink and has lots of friends. I was a fat kid in black clothes that sat in the corner with no lights at lunch and was in the orchestra and the smart classes. Boys looked at me like one of the guys, like a sister, or said I was an ugly, fat nerd with glasses. I liked guys, of course, but they never liked me. The only two that ever told me they liked me were losers and I didn't like them. One of them asked me out for a month straight and I had to dig to a really low place to get him to leave me alone. Classic psychological damage everyone talks about, eh? lol
High school really wasn't any different. I had a select group of friends that were pretty much in the same gothy-indie style, some of which I had carried over from middle school. The only difference with high school is those kinds of people actually have the potential to be popular. You're thrown into a melting pot of classes, sports, and activities spread across 4 grade levels. It can be overwhelming if you let it get to you. I guess I can admit that I let it get to me for most of 9th grade. I was a sarcastic little shit that didn't really have any interest in opening any doors with anyone because I figured I would get the same results. Nothing at all. To quote the Wedding Singer, "I listened to the Cure a lot, so..."
By 10th grade I had made some new friends and had finally started to feel a little better. I was still involved in the music program, found that people that were considered cool and normal shared the smart classes with me, and I began to find more people that seemed to like my humor and nerdiness. I'm not embarassed to say that they were mainly band/orchestra people. I went on a band trip to California, placed highly, had awesome roommates, got to spend a full day at Disneyland, spent days at the beach, and had a great time. Still didn't have any guys interested in me, but by then I had gotten used to it and just didn't tell anyone anything. You get tired of hearing the same things and getting put down.
I lost a lot of the friends I had kept from middle school and made by 11th grade. We met new people, became interested in different things, and all just moved on. I became close with some kids in orchestra and we had some of the best times I have ever had that year and that summer. Even though high school was going well, my grades suffered that year because I didn't care about much of anything. I was ready to make it to senior year and just get out of there. That's pretty much exactly what I did. I went to my senior prom with a friend because I was too chicken to ask anyone for real and no one asked me. I knew if I didn't lock down a friend date I would be going solo and who seriously wants to do that? I graduated, was set to go to college (not away to college, but I didn't mind), and looked forward to seeing what life outside of high school had to offer.
Much to my surprise, in all honesty, it didn't offer much. I hung out with the same people, didn't make any new college buddies, and ended up switching to a local community college because I didn't like the overcrowded atmosphere of downtown. Not to mention that Metro State sucks. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would get dropped off at the lightrail station, wait for 15 minutes with my backpack that weighed like 30 lbs., get on the train, sit next to the same kid that I went to Rangeview with and babble about nothing for a half hour, go to my classes, bump into people outside and in the halls, hop on the train home, sit in silence with my iPod on, get off and walk to the bus stop, wait for 15 minutes, get on the bus, sit in silence with my iPod on, and spend 5-10 minutes walking home from the bus stop. That went on for 17 weeks and I hated every minute of it. How do people actually like college? I dropped out of Metro when I was 19. Ever since then I have been stuck in the same spot. CCA has officially gotten on my nerves and I didn't enroll in classes for the spring 2010 semester. I'm tired of school and at this point, I never want to go back.
I'm tired of a lot of things. I've been working at the same place for over a year. Same people, same customers, same bullshit, etc.. It's all so monotonous and I am starting to just lose my mind. Now my friends are all gone, too. They're in Fort Collins or Boulder or Greeley or in another state. I'm quite lonely and bored. I am a sad panda and it's a struggle for me to even be happy these days. I don't feel like I have any reason.
Men still don't see me as anything but one of the guys or as a sister. They probably still see me as an ugly fat nerd, too. I'm just not very girly and I never have been. I just found a comfortable spot and stayed there. Sorry that I like hats, baggy jeans, t-shirts, sneakers, sports, and Star Wars. Sorry I don't like make-up, tight clothes, belly shirts, or that I don't look like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie. Being alone for so long really sucks. I don't even have anything to compare it to. I'm not opposed to finding someone one day. I actually look forward to it. It would give me someone to talk to and hopefully they wouldn't just tell me to be quiet when I am just being myself. I see cute guys all the time, especially at work. I just am too shy and I don't think very highly of myself. I don't see myself as anything but an ugly fat nerd, to be honest. Who would want that? People in general are too petty to look deeper and see what's inside. At this point, my cynical self probably wouldn't believe anyone that said they liked me. People say things to try and make me feel better all the time. Why would that be any different?
Maybe I really am unusual. I am not even close to the same mindset as other people my age. I'm not concerned with parties, drinking, drugs or anything like that. I tell people to be careful and I tell people what they're doing is stupid. I either get ignored for it or picked at. If it isn't that, I get told that I should just let go and start living. That's not living to me. I have morals and values and a picture of how I want to remember my life. Looking back and seeing multiple sexual partners, nights where I drank so much I couldn't remember anything, waking up and not knowing what I did or who I did it with does not appeal to me at all. People that live it and/or want to live it confuse the hell out of me. I do not understand it at all. There are bigger things to be concerned with, in my opinion. I always said I should have been born in a time with higher morality and maturity. Being overly mature for my age got old years ago. I often relate more with adults (people I work with, family members, etc.) than people my age, including my close friends. How pathetic is that?
I have a sense of humor that is very dry and sarcastic. I say things and wonder why people are laughing. I laugh at things that people think are disturbing and completely unfunny. I guess all I can say is you get it or you don't.
Hearing that I need to just go out there and put myself in an uncomfortable situation to make friends or break my shyness isn't an option for me. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to meet guys. I just don't know how to do a lot of things when it comes to the social and love subjects. I have never been good at it and I don't think I ever will be. If you actually read this whole thing you should have been able to see why. Years and years of being rejected, pushed away, and ignored takes its toll. You get stuck in a place that is very hard to get out of.
Yes, I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm going. I am tired of not knowing what certain emotions feel like. I am a religious person and I do believe that God has something, or someone, waiting for me and I just haven't gotten there yet. I just can't help but ask, when?
I have had things that I wanted to do that I can't do. For example, I really wanted to enlist in the US Navy. I talked with a recruiter with the intentions of enlisting either before 2009 was over or shortly after 2010 began. However, I am physically ineligible because of health conditions (aka, my vision is too bad for enlistment). Is that part of it? Being constantly depressed about my social and love status was enough. Now I've been upset about that since last fall.
I regret not going to college for art and film to begin with. I didn't want the criticism from my family, who find it a waste of time, so I just went to college picking things that I liked but didn't want as a career. Now I hate school and wish I would have been doing what made me happy in the first place.
I know what I want but I just don't know how to get it, I guess. I don't know how much longer I can wait without melting a microchip.
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