I got The Blob for 50 cents today. I also got Creepshow and House of the Dead for $5 each.
I love my job sometimes.
31 January 2010
27 January 2010
Now I'm even more curious...
I bought Saw VI yesterday and have managed to watch it 3 times already... Don't judge me. In all fairness, I watched it once normally and the other two times with the two commentaries. They can reveal clues that you wouldn't hear otherwise.
Anyway, in the Unrated Director's Cut (which is the only version available if you want widescreen or Blu-Ray) there is a little more footage included with Cecil and Amanda. From what I remember about the Theatrical Cut we just saw them outside of the clinic and the brief driving scene while Hoffman's voice over is reading the letter. Cecil hesitates, you see Jill turning off the lights in the clinic, and Amanda pushes Cecil out of frame telling him to just do it. He slams the door into Jill's abdomen killing Gideon, yada yada yada. We all know what happened in Saw IV. You see Cecil running away and Amanda collapses into a corner in shock and awe.
The difference between the DC and the TC is basically the length and what was included. In the DC we see a longer driving scene with Amanda and Cecil (which was completely out of place, in my opinion) and there is more interaction between them outside of the clinic. If I remember correctly, the extended interaction introduces the first real glimpse of sexuality in the entire Saw franchise so far. Cecil turns back, tries to tell Amanda that Jill has been good to them, Amanda goes on to say "I've been good to you," leans in toward his face, and her hands go south and start feeling up his crotch. Not only does this finally show what we all suspected of Amanda in terms of being willing to go as far as necessary for drugs, even sexual favors, but it implies that she and Cecil were a couple. How does this effect previous theories, Cecil's knife trap in Saw IV, and Amanda? Here's what I'm thinking.
John knew Cecil was present at the time of the accident with Jill. He is reading in his car and sees Cecil run outside. That gives him a face to place at the scene. However, to our knowledge John didn't notice Amanda at the scene. Unless she managed to get up and run away, or hide somewhere else, in the time that Cecil left and John came running into the clinic and found Jill, I think she could have been spotted. Especially if she kept making all of that noise.
As a result of the accident we see John's first test. He follows Cecil to a parade, captures him, and places him in the knife chair. Let's take a brief look at what John said to him:
"I want to play a game. Your life is a lie Cecil, but now comes your moment of truth. As a drug addict and a theif you've preyed on the kindness of others to fuel your addiction. Today, we bring the ugliness inside of you out into the open. Now in order for you to stay alive, you have to match your face to the ugliness of your soul. Just lean forward into the knives with your face. Press hard enough and you will release the arm and leg restraints that bind you. Press hard though, and you'll be free. Or you can sit idly and bleed out on the floor. Live or die, Cecil. Make your choice."
So... seeing that Amanda was really the one behind breaking into the clinic for drugs, should Cecil's trap have really been her's? I see the way things turned out and how symbolic the RBT became as the plot unfolded movie by movie, but in terms of principle (we all know John and his principles) the knife chair should have had Amanda in it and not Cecil. After seeing the events of Saw VI it shows even more so that the knife chair was used by John purely for revenge. Cecil had a chance and technically won, but when he was released John led him into the razor wire. Say self defense all you want, but that's in no way what it was. Not in my opinion.
I always thought Jill inquired about Cecil with John fairly quickly. If Amanda was a regular at the clinic and was linked to Cecil publically (I have no doubts about that) she could have been the one to report him missing, she could have said something about not knowing where he was to Jill... any number of things are possible. Jill knew what Cecil did to her but at that point she didn't know about Amanda's involvement so she would have seen her as a woman just not knowing where her man was. Not to mention that Jill always possessed a great amount of sympathy for addicts, which is mainly what irritated John, so she might have been inquiring for Amanda's sake out of conscience. Seeing how upset John was about Gideon and how crazy he got, the fact that she even thought to go to him and ask was very plausible and I always thought it showed how well she knew John.
Personally, I think John knew Amanda was involved in the loss of Gideon. His dialogue with Jill in Saw VI with Amanda standing there clearly indicates that Jill had spoken to John about Amanda. He flat out says Jill had told him she was a lost soul. John was also a frequent visitor at the clinic and according to Saw: Rebirth, he was in a rehab hospital with her after she overdosed. Granted Rebirth isn't 100% credible anymore but it gives insight to possibilites that have been written in association with the actual franchise.
If John knew it would potentially explain how Hoffman knew about her involvement and why he included it in the letter. Another possibility with that is that Hoffman could have added to it.
Compare the two letter possibilities:
John's
"Amanda, you were with Cecil the night Jill lost Gideon. You killed our child. You know it and I know it. (insert more text if desired)"
Hoffman's:
"Amanda, you were with Cecil the night Jill lost Gideon. You killed their child. You know it and I know it so do exactly as I say. Kill Lynn Denlon or I will tell John what you did."
It is more than possible that Hoffman could have inserted that last piece. The new scene with him setting up the Rack with Amanda shows that she wasn't necessarily intimidated by him. She flinched at him and laughed, picked on his inability to perfect traps, and basically rubbed in his face that she was an apprentice too. Her only true weakness was John. Their connection and her level of love for him was obvious all throughout Saw III. Hoffman knew that and the only way he could create the leverage to get her to do something was to threaten the relationship they had. By setting her up with unwinnable traps (at least I think he did) and making her kill Lynn it ensured that Jeff would most likely take out his vengeance and frustration on the last two people he faced, if his wife was killed or wounded. Seeing that Amanda shot Lynn, it was only natural for Jeff to use his one bullet to shoot her. He went even farther and killed John, too. The fact that he killed his own wife by killing John is just ironic.
Who does that leave as a sole survivor and newly promoted hero? Mark Hoffman.
I like the scenes included in Saw VI. It opens up a lot more windows. I wish there were more and I hope this isn't the last we see of Amanda, but I have a feeling it is. They can't really expand on too much and still have it be relevant. Not to mention that Shawnee Smith is still pregnant and most likely will be cruising into February. Production on Saw VII starts in about a week and a half. Unless it does well and there is a Saw VIII, I am doubting the return of Amanda for another movie right now.
What can you do except theorize, eh?
Anyway, in the Unrated Director's Cut (which is the only version available if you want widescreen or Blu-Ray) there is a little more footage included with Cecil and Amanda. From what I remember about the Theatrical Cut we just saw them outside of the clinic and the brief driving scene while Hoffman's voice over is reading the letter. Cecil hesitates, you see Jill turning off the lights in the clinic, and Amanda pushes Cecil out of frame telling him to just do it. He slams the door into Jill's abdomen killing Gideon, yada yada yada. We all know what happened in Saw IV. You see Cecil running away and Amanda collapses into a corner in shock and awe.
The difference between the DC and the TC is basically the length and what was included. In the DC we see a longer driving scene with Amanda and Cecil (which was completely out of place, in my opinion) and there is more interaction between them outside of the clinic. If I remember correctly, the extended interaction introduces the first real glimpse of sexuality in the entire Saw franchise so far. Cecil turns back, tries to tell Amanda that Jill has been good to them, Amanda goes on to say "I've been good to you," leans in toward his face, and her hands go south and start feeling up his crotch. Not only does this finally show what we all suspected of Amanda in terms of being willing to go as far as necessary for drugs, even sexual favors, but it implies that she and Cecil were a couple. How does this effect previous theories, Cecil's knife trap in Saw IV, and Amanda? Here's what I'm thinking.
John knew Cecil was present at the time of the accident with Jill. He is reading in his car and sees Cecil run outside. That gives him a face to place at the scene. However, to our knowledge John didn't notice Amanda at the scene. Unless she managed to get up and run away, or hide somewhere else, in the time that Cecil left and John came running into the clinic and found Jill, I think she could have been spotted. Especially if she kept making all of that noise.
As a result of the accident we see John's first test. He follows Cecil to a parade, captures him, and places him in the knife chair. Let's take a brief look at what John said to him:
"I want to play a game. Your life is a lie Cecil, but now comes your moment of truth. As a drug addict and a theif you've preyed on the kindness of others to fuel your addiction. Today, we bring the ugliness inside of you out into the open. Now in order for you to stay alive, you have to match your face to the ugliness of your soul. Just lean forward into the knives with your face. Press hard enough and you will release the arm and leg restraints that bind you. Press hard though, and you'll be free. Or you can sit idly and bleed out on the floor. Live or die, Cecil. Make your choice."
So... seeing that Amanda was really the one behind breaking into the clinic for drugs, should Cecil's trap have really been her's? I see the way things turned out and how symbolic the RBT became as the plot unfolded movie by movie, but in terms of principle (we all know John and his principles) the knife chair should have had Amanda in it and not Cecil. After seeing the events of Saw VI it shows even more so that the knife chair was used by John purely for revenge. Cecil had a chance and technically won, but when he was released John led him into the razor wire. Say self defense all you want, but that's in no way what it was. Not in my opinion.
I always thought Jill inquired about Cecil with John fairly quickly. If Amanda was a regular at the clinic and was linked to Cecil publically (I have no doubts about that) she could have been the one to report him missing, she could have said something about not knowing where he was to Jill... any number of things are possible. Jill knew what Cecil did to her but at that point she didn't know about Amanda's involvement so she would have seen her as a woman just not knowing where her man was. Not to mention that Jill always possessed a great amount of sympathy for addicts, which is mainly what irritated John, so she might have been inquiring for Amanda's sake out of conscience. Seeing how upset John was about Gideon and how crazy he got, the fact that she even thought to go to him and ask was very plausible and I always thought it showed how well she knew John.
Personally, I think John knew Amanda was involved in the loss of Gideon. His dialogue with Jill in Saw VI with Amanda standing there clearly indicates that Jill had spoken to John about Amanda. He flat out says Jill had told him she was a lost soul. John was also a frequent visitor at the clinic and according to Saw: Rebirth, he was in a rehab hospital with her after she overdosed. Granted Rebirth isn't 100% credible anymore but it gives insight to possibilites that have been written in association with the actual franchise.
If John knew it would potentially explain how Hoffman knew about her involvement and why he included it in the letter. Another possibility with that is that Hoffman could have added to it.
Compare the two letter possibilities:
John's
"Amanda, you were with Cecil the night Jill lost Gideon. You killed our child. You know it and I know it. (insert more text if desired)"
Hoffman's:
"Amanda, you were with Cecil the night Jill lost Gideon. You killed their child. You know it and I know it so do exactly as I say. Kill Lynn Denlon or I will tell John what you did."
It is more than possible that Hoffman could have inserted that last piece. The new scene with him setting up the Rack with Amanda shows that she wasn't necessarily intimidated by him. She flinched at him and laughed, picked on his inability to perfect traps, and basically rubbed in his face that she was an apprentice too. Her only true weakness was John. Their connection and her level of love for him was obvious all throughout Saw III. Hoffman knew that and the only way he could create the leverage to get her to do something was to threaten the relationship they had. By setting her up with unwinnable traps (at least I think he did) and making her kill Lynn it ensured that Jeff would most likely take out his vengeance and frustration on the last two people he faced, if his wife was killed or wounded. Seeing that Amanda shot Lynn, it was only natural for Jeff to use his one bullet to shoot her. He went even farther and killed John, too. The fact that he killed his own wife by killing John is just ironic.
Who does that leave as a sole survivor and newly promoted hero? Mark Hoffman.
I like the scenes included in Saw VI. It opens up a lot more windows. I wish there were more and I hope this isn't the last we see of Amanda, but I have a feeling it is. They can't really expand on too much and still have it be relevant. Not to mention that Shawnee Smith is still pregnant and most likely will be cruising into February. Production on Saw VII starts in about a week and a half. Unless it does well and there is a Saw VIII, I am doubting the return of Amanda for another movie right now.
What can you do except theorize, eh?
24 January 2010
This happens about once or twice a year...
Yes, my annual day of deep thought about my life has come again. Saddest part about it is I think about the same things every year. I have thought about this same subject for the past 3 or 4 years now.
My social and love lives are pieces of shit.
I haven't had a boyfriend in years and years, I haven't even had people like me in forever (no one that I know of), I don't have very many close friends and never really have, and I find it difficult to make friends. Have I liked people? Of course. Do I have friends? Well, yeah. So what's the problem? I think this is the best answer I'll ever be able to give myself...
I'm a very shy person and I have been told on several occasions that I'm very unique and hard to understand at times. People my age often don't understand me and don't understand the way I see things. I am very mature and have been for a long time. I remember people thinking I was in high school when I was a 6th and 7th grader because I was very well spoken, opinionated, and smart. As a result, people around me found me weird and always told me things like I should lighten up, I should have more fun, and that I should stop trying to be people's mom. I actually still hear that often and I'm 21 years old now.
I guess we could start as far back as I can remember.
Elementary school was never fun for me. When it came to peers I was never well liked. I got picked on and secluded from the "main groups" a lot. I had friends but they were always kind of on the same wavelength as me. They were shy, weird, or fellow fat kids that no one else really liked. When it came to boys I was always seen as one of the guys, even back then. I would come to school with my Mariners hat, jeans, sneakers, and baseball glove in hopes that I could play with the guys at recess and lunch. The fact that I almost never got to play was beside the point. None of them ever liked me. I started playing girl's softball on a team (Spartans, FTW) and I made one really good friend on that team out of like 14-15 girls. We would always go to each other's birthday parties and stuff like that and I remember my mom telling me once that everyone thought I was weird and boyish because I wanted action figures instead of lip gloss and glitter. Excuse me for wanting to play wrestling guys with my older brother and my friends at school, right? Bitches. I mainly hate females to this day.
I "dated" (whatever you call it at that age) this boy in 5th grade for almost the whole year and we broke up a little before the year ended. We were both little chunked out, rock music loving nerds that would play wrestling guys at recess. We had a little group that we had nicknames for with our other friends. I had the biggest crush on one of the other boys in our group and I remember us "dating" for like 3 weeks and it just kind of fizzled out. Kids that age are fooling themselves with that stuff, lol. I still talk to him and we apparently are in like with each other still, but nothing ever happens. Life, college, and growing up happens. We went to different middle schools and didn't talk for 3 years. Seeing him at freshman orientation when we started high school was just complete gift.
When I reached middle school I was still a fairly quiet, fat kid and I wasn't always the happiest pre-teen at Mrachek. I struggled with some things and it took me a couple of years to just find a semi-comfortable place to be. To get to that semi-comfortable place I felt the need to grow up in my own mind. I didn't want to deal with this petty crap that everyone else made such a big deal about; stuff like dating, make-up, sex, and dressing like a whore. I just never saw the point in overly girly things and the things all the popular kids were wasting so much time on. In 6th grade I was more than happy in a hoodie, jeans, and some Chucks or Vans playing Tech Deck mini-skateboards and bikes with some of the boys at lunch.
Sure I made friends eventually, but they seemed to worry other people like my mom. By the time the end of 6th grade and the beginning of 7th grade rolled around the people I befriended were the "goth" kids that wore all black and studs and were all anti-social. The unfortunate part for her and anyone else is I was one of them. People didn't like me and they always found something to pick at. I wanted to just ignore them and hanging with people that also wanted to ignore them was really easy to do. I suppose it's every parent's dream to have a happy, thin daughter wearing make-up and pink and has lots of friends. I was a fat kid in black clothes that sat in the corner with no lights at lunch and was in the orchestra and the smart classes. Boys looked at me like one of the guys, like a sister, or said I was an ugly, fat nerd with glasses. I liked guys, of course, but they never liked me. The only two that ever told me they liked me were losers and I didn't like them. One of them asked me out for a month straight and I had to dig to a really low place to get him to leave me alone. Classic psychological damage everyone talks about, eh? lol
High school really wasn't any different. I had a select group of friends that were pretty much in the same gothy-indie style, some of which I had carried over from middle school. The only difference with high school is those kinds of people actually have the potential to be popular. You're thrown into a melting pot of classes, sports, and activities spread across 4 grade levels. It can be overwhelming if you let it get to you. I guess I can admit that I let it get to me for most of 9th grade. I was a sarcastic little shit that didn't really have any interest in opening any doors with anyone because I figured I would get the same results. Nothing at all. To quote the Wedding Singer, "I listened to the Cure a lot, so..."
By 10th grade I had made some new friends and had finally started to feel a little better. I was still involved in the music program, found that people that were considered cool and normal shared the smart classes with me, and I began to find more people that seemed to like my humor and nerdiness. I'm not embarassed to say that they were mainly band/orchestra people. I went on a band trip to California, placed highly, had awesome roommates, got to spend a full day at Disneyland, spent days at the beach, and had a great time. Still didn't have any guys interested in me, but by then I had gotten used to it and just didn't tell anyone anything. You get tired of hearing the same things and getting put down.
I lost a lot of the friends I had kept from middle school and made by 11th grade. We met new people, became interested in different things, and all just moved on. I became close with some kids in orchestra and we had some of the best times I have ever had that year and that summer. Even though high school was going well, my grades suffered that year because I didn't care about much of anything. I was ready to make it to senior year and just get out of there. That's pretty much exactly what I did. I went to my senior prom with a friend because I was too chicken to ask anyone for real and no one asked me. I knew if I didn't lock down a friend date I would be going solo and who seriously wants to do that? I graduated, was set to go to college (not away to college, but I didn't mind), and looked forward to seeing what life outside of high school had to offer.
Much to my surprise, in all honesty, it didn't offer much. I hung out with the same people, didn't make any new college buddies, and ended up switching to a local community college because I didn't like the overcrowded atmosphere of downtown. Not to mention that Metro State sucks. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would get dropped off at the lightrail station, wait for 15 minutes with my backpack that weighed like 30 lbs., get on the train, sit next to the same kid that I went to Rangeview with and babble about nothing for a half hour, go to my classes, bump into people outside and in the halls, hop on the train home, sit in silence with my iPod on, get off and walk to the bus stop, wait for 15 minutes, get on the bus, sit in silence with my iPod on, and spend 5-10 minutes walking home from the bus stop. That went on for 17 weeks and I hated every minute of it. How do people actually like college? I dropped out of Metro when I was 19. Ever since then I have been stuck in the same spot. CCA has officially gotten on my nerves and I didn't enroll in classes for the spring 2010 semester. I'm tired of school and at this point, I never want to go back.
I'm tired of a lot of things. I've been working at the same place for over a year. Same people, same customers, same bullshit, etc.. It's all so monotonous and I am starting to just lose my mind. Now my friends are all gone, too. They're in Fort Collins or Boulder or Greeley or in another state. I'm quite lonely and bored. I am a sad panda and it's a struggle for me to even be happy these days. I don't feel like I have any reason.
Men still don't see me as anything but one of the guys or as a sister. They probably still see me as an ugly fat nerd, too. I'm just not very girly and I never have been. I just found a comfortable spot and stayed there. Sorry that I like hats, baggy jeans, t-shirts, sneakers, sports, and Star Wars. Sorry I don't like make-up, tight clothes, belly shirts, or that I don't look like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie. Being alone for so long really sucks. I don't even have anything to compare it to. I'm not opposed to finding someone one day. I actually look forward to it. It would give me someone to talk to and hopefully they wouldn't just tell me to be quiet when I am just being myself. I see cute guys all the time, especially at work. I just am too shy and I don't think very highly of myself. I don't see myself as anything but an ugly fat nerd, to be honest. Who would want that? People in general are too petty to look deeper and see what's inside. At this point, my cynical self probably wouldn't believe anyone that said they liked me. People say things to try and make me feel better all the time. Why would that be any different?
Maybe I really am unusual. I am not even close to the same mindset as other people my age. I'm not concerned with parties, drinking, drugs or anything like that. I tell people to be careful and I tell people what they're doing is stupid. I either get ignored for it or picked at. If it isn't that, I get told that I should just let go and start living. That's not living to me. I have morals and values and a picture of how I want to remember my life. Looking back and seeing multiple sexual partners, nights where I drank so much I couldn't remember anything, waking up and not knowing what I did or who I did it with does not appeal to me at all. People that live it and/or want to live it confuse the hell out of me. I do not understand it at all. There are bigger things to be concerned with, in my opinion. I always said I should have been born in a time with higher morality and maturity. Being overly mature for my age got old years ago. I often relate more with adults (people I work with, family members, etc.) than people my age, including my close friends. How pathetic is that?
I have a sense of humor that is very dry and sarcastic. I say things and wonder why people are laughing. I laugh at things that people think are disturbing and completely unfunny. I guess all I can say is you get it or you don't.
Hearing that I need to just go out there and put myself in an uncomfortable situation to make friends or break my shyness isn't an option for me. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to meet guys. I just don't know how to do a lot of things when it comes to the social and love subjects. I have never been good at it and I don't think I ever will be. If you actually read this whole thing you should have been able to see why. Years and years of being rejected, pushed away, and ignored takes its toll. You get stuck in a place that is very hard to get out of.
Yes, I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm going. I am tired of not knowing what certain emotions feel like. I am a religious person and I do believe that God has something, or someone, waiting for me and I just haven't gotten there yet. I just can't help but ask, when?
I have had things that I wanted to do that I can't do. For example, I really wanted to enlist in the US Navy. I talked with a recruiter with the intentions of enlisting either before 2009 was over or shortly after 2010 began. However, I am physically ineligible because of health conditions (aka, my vision is too bad for enlistment). Is that part of it? Being constantly depressed about my social and love status was enough. Now I've been upset about that since last fall.
I regret not going to college for art and film to begin with. I didn't want the criticism from my family, who find it a waste of time, so I just went to college picking things that I liked but didn't want as a career. Now I hate school and wish I would have been doing what made me happy in the first place.
I know what I want but I just don't know how to get it, I guess. I don't know how much longer I can wait without melting a microchip.
My social and love lives are pieces of shit.
I haven't had a boyfriend in years and years, I haven't even had people like me in forever (no one that I know of), I don't have very many close friends and never really have, and I find it difficult to make friends. Have I liked people? Of course. Do I have friends? Well, yeah. So what's the problem? I think this is the best answer I'll ever be able to give myself...
I'm a very shy person and I have been told on several occasions that I'm very unique and hard to understand at times. People my age often don't understand me and don't understand the way I see things. I am very mature and have been for a long time. I remember people thinking I was in high school when I was a 6th and 7th grader because I was very well spoken, opinionated, and smart. As a result, people around me found me weird and always told me things like I should lighten up, I should have more fun, and that I should stop trying to be people's mom. I actually still hear that often and I'm 21 years old now.
I guess we could start as far back as I can remember.
Elementary school was never fun for me. When it came to peers I was never well liked. I got picked on and secluded from the "main groups" a lot. I had friends but they were always kind of on the same wavelength as me. They were shy, weird, or fellow fat kids that no one else really liked. When it came to boys I was always seen as one of the guys, even back then. I would come to school with my Mariners hat, jeans, sneakers, and baseball glove in hopes that I could play with the guys at recess and lunch. The fact that I almost never got to play was beside the point. None of them ever liked me. I started playing girl's softball on a team (Spartans, FTW) and I made one really good friend on that team out of like 14-15 girls. We would always go to each other's birthday parties and stuff like that and I remember my mom telling me once that everyone thought I was weird and boyish because I wanted action figures instead of lip gloss and glitter. Excuse me for wanting to play wrestling guys with my older brother and my friends at school, right? Bitches. I mainly hate females to this day.
I "dated" (whatever you call it at that age) this boy in 5th grade for almost the whole year and we broke up a little before the year ended. We were both little chunked out, rock music loving nerds that would play wrestling guys at recess. We had a little group that we had nicknames for with our other friends. I had the biggest crush on one of the other boys in our group and I remember us "dating" for like 3 weeks and it just kind of fizzled out. Kids that age are fooling themselves with that stuff, lol. I still talk to him and we apparently are in like with each other still, but nothing ever happens. Life, college, and growing up happens. We went to different middle schools and didn't talk for 3 years. Seeing him at freshman orientation when we started high school was just complete gift.
When I reached middle school I was still a fairly quiet, fat kid and I wasn't always the happiest pre-teen at Mrachek. I struggled with some things and it took me a couple of years to just find a semi-comfortable place to be. To get to that semi-comfortable place I felt the need to grow up in my own mind. I didn't want to deal with this petty crap that everyone else made such a big deal about; stuff like dating, make-up, sex, and dressing like a whore. I just never saw the point in overly girly things and the things all the popular kids were wasting so much time on. In 6th grade I was more than happy in a hoodie, jeans, and some Chucks or Vans playing Tech Deck mini-skateboards and bikes with some of the boys at lunch.
Sure I made friends eventually, but they seemed to worry other people like my mom. By the time the end of 6th grade and the beginning of 7th grade rolled around the people I befriended were the "goth" kids that wore all black and studs and were all anti-social. The unfortunate part for her and anyone else is I was one of them. People didn't like me and they always found something to pick at. I wanted to just ignore them and hanging with people that also wanted to ignore them was really easy to do. I suppose it's every parent's dream to have a happy, thin daughter wearing make-up and pink and has lots of friends. I was a fat kid in black clothes that sat in the corner with no lights at lunch and was in the orchestra and the smart classes. Boys looked at me like one of the guys, like a sister, or said I was an ugly, fat nerd with glasses. I liked guys, of course, but they never liked me. The only two that ever told me they liked me were losers and I didn't like them. One of them asked me out for a month straight and I had to dig to a really low place to get him to leave me alone. Classic psychological damage everyone talks about, eh? lol
High school really wasn't any different. I had a select group of friends that were pretty much in the same gothy-indie style, some of which I had carried over from middle school. The only difference with high school is those kinds of people actually have the potential to be popular. You're thrown into a melting pot of classes, sports, and activities spread across 4 grade levels. It can be overwhelming if you let it get to you. I guess I can admit that I let it get to me for most of 9th grade. I was a sarcastic little shit that didn't really have any interest in opening any doors with anyone because I figured I would get the same results. Nothing at all. To quote the Wedding Singer, "I listened to the Cure a lot, so..."
By 10th grade I had made some new friends and had finally started to feel a little better. I was still involved in the music program, found that people that were considered cool and normal shared the smart classes with me, and I began to find more people that seemed to like my humor and nerdiness. I'm not embarassed to say that they were mainly band/orchestra people. I went on a band trip to California, placed highly, had awesome roommates, got to spend a full day at Disneyland, spent days at the beach, and had a great time. Still didn't have any guys interested in me, but by then I had gotten used to it and just didn't tell anyone anything. You get tired of hearing the same things and getting put down.
I lost a lot of the friends I had kept from middle school and made by 11th grade. We met new people, became interested in different things, and all just moved on. I became close with some kids in orchestra and we had some of the best times I have ever had that year and that summer. Even though high school was going well, my grades suffered that year because I didn't care about much of anything. I was ready to make it to senior year and just get out of there. That's pretty much exactly what I did. I went to my senior prom with a friend because I was too chicken to ask anyone for real and no one asked me. I knew if I didn't lock down a friend date I would be going solo and who seriously wants to do that? I graduated, was set to go to college (not away to college, but I didn't mind), and looked forward to seeing what life outside of high school had to offer.
Much to my surprise, in all honesty, it didn't offer much. I hung out with the same people, didn't make any new college buddies, and ended up switching to a local community college because I didn't like the overcrowded atmosphere of downtown. Not to mention that Metro State sucks. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would get dropped off at the lightrail station, wait for 15 minutes with my backpack that weighed like 30 lbs., get on the train, sit next to the same kid that I went to Rangeview with and babble about nothing for a half hour, go to my classes, bump into people outside and in the halls, hop on the train home, sit in silence with my iPod on, get off and walk to the bus stop, wait for 15 minutes, get on the bus, sit in silence with my iPod on, and spend 5-10 minutes walking home from the bus stop. That went on for 17 weeks and I hated every minute of it. How do people actually like college? I dropped out of Metro when I was 19. Ever since then I have been stuck in the same spot. CCA has officially gotten on my nerves and I didn't enroll in classes for the spring 2010 semester. I'm tired of school and at this point, I never want to go back.
I'm tired of a lot of things. I've been working at the same place for over a year. Same people, same customers, same bullshit, etc.. It's all so monotonous and I am starting to just lose my mind. Now my friends are all gone, too. They're in Fort Collins or Boulder or Greeley or in another state. I'm quite lonely and bored. I am a sad panda and it's a struggle for me to even be happy these days. I don't feel like I have any reason.
Men still don't see me as anything but one of the guys or as a sister. They probably still see me as an ugly fat nerd, too. I'm just not very girly and I never have been. I just found a comfortable spot and stayed there. Sorry that I like hats, baggy jeans, t-shirts, sneakers, sports, and Star Wars. Sorry I don't like make-up, tight clothes, belly shirts, or that I don't look like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie. Being alone for so long really sucks. I don't even have anything to compare it to. I'm not opposed to finding someone one day. I actually look forward to it. It would give me someone to talk to and hopefully they wouldn't just tell me to be quiet when I am just being myself. I see cute guys all the time, especially at work. I just am too shy and I don't think very highly of myself. I don't see myself as anything but an ugly fat nerd, to be honest. Who would want that? People in general are too petty to look deeper and see what's inside. At this point, my cynical self probably wouldn't believe anyone that said they liked me. People say things to try and make me feel better all the time. Why would that be any different?
Maybe I really am unusual. I am not even close to the same mindset as other people my age. I'm not concerned with parties, drinking, drugs or anything like that. I tell people to be careful and I tell people what they're doing is stupid. I either get ignored for it or picked at. If it isn't that, I get told that I should just let go and start living. That's not living to me. I have morals and values and a picture of how I want to remember my life. Looking back and seeing multiple sexual partners, nights where I drank so much I couldn't remember anything, waking up and not knowing what I did or who I did it with does not appeal to me at all. People that live it and/or want to live it confuse the hell out of me. I do not understand it at all. There are bigger things to be concerned with, in my opinion. I always said I should have been born in a time with higher morality and maturity. Being overly mature for my age got old years ago. I often relate more with adults (people I work with, family members, etc.) than people my age, including my close friends. How pathetic is that?
I have a sense of humor that is very dry and sarcastic. I say things and wonder why people are laughing. I laugh at things that people think are disturbing and completely unfunny. I guess all I can say is you get it or you don't.
Hearing that I need to just go out there and put myself in an uncomfortable situation to make friends or break my shyness isn't an option for me. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to meet guys. I just don't know how to do a lot of things when it comes to the social and love subjects. I have never been good at it and I don't think I ever will be. If you actually read this whole thing you should have been able to see why. Years and years of being rejected, pushed away, and ignored takes its toll. You get stuck in a place that is very hard to get out of.
Yes, I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm going. I am tired of not knowing what certain emotions feel like. I am a religious person and I do believe that God has something, or someone, waiting for me and I just haven't gotten there yet. I just can't help but ask, when?
I have had things that I wanted to do that I can't do. For example, I really wanted to enlist in the US Navy. I talked with a recruiter with the intentions of enlisting either before 2009 was over or shortly after 2010 began. However, I am physically ineligible because of health conditions (aka, my vision is too bad for enlistment). Is that part of it? Being constantly depressed about my social and love status was enough. Now I've been upset about that since last fall.
I regret not going to college for art and film to begin with. I didn't want the criticism from my family, who find it a waste of time, so I just went to college picking things that I liked but didn't want as a career. Now I hate school and wish I would have been doing what made me happy in the first place.
I know what I want but I just don't know how to get it, I guess. I don't know how much longer I can wait without melting a microchip.
20 January 2010
Alicia Keys...
She always sounds like she's pushing and straining her voice. I was just listening to "Empire State of Mind" and really noticed it.
19 January 2010
USA... USA...
I want a Team USA Hockey jersey. I did some searching and found them on the official website... for $140.
Wtf... my overpriced RBK Avalanche jersey wasn't even that much.
Wtf... my overpriced RBK Avalanche jersey wasn't even that much.
Sweet, sweet irony...
Anyone that followed Saw VI knows that its main box office competition was Paranormal Activity. It pretty much got crushed and kicked while it was already on the ground. You would also know that a man named Kevin Greutert, who edited the first 5 Saw movies, directed the 6th one. He announced after Saw VI was released that it was going to be his last Saw movie. Sad day for fans because he brought a lot to the franchise and is an all around great guy.
Ready for the funny?
Kevin will be directing Paranormal Activity 2.
When I say "irony" you all should laugh. Irony! *insert laughter*
I know I probably sound like a bitch, but I am so disappointed with Lionsgate/Twisted Pictures for letting Saw get to a 7th movie, having David Hackl direct again, and making it in 3D that I will be rooting for a movie that I think is an even dumber idea. Not to mention the fact that Paranormal Activity was the worst movie I think I have ever seen. If I wanted to watch people sleep and argue for 2 hours I would just get a roommate and do it for free.
Both movies are set to be released on October 22, 2010. For the love of your mother, people... go against your morals and see Paranormal instead. Just be sure to pray after you get out of the theater. You'll no doubt feel like your soul got a piece taken away.
However, Kevin showed a lot of promise with Saw VI so it might not be as bad as the first one.
I just can't stop laughing.
Ready for the funny?
Kevin will be directing Paranormal Activity 2.
When I say "irony" you all should laugh. Irony! *insert laughter*
I know I probably sound like a bitch, but I am so disappointed with Lionsgate/Twisted Pictures for letting Saw get to a 7th movie, having David Hackl direct again, and making it in 3D that I will be rooting for a movie that I think is an even dumber idea. Not to mention the fact that Paranormal Activity was the worst movie I think I have ever seen. If I wanted to watch people sleep and argue for 2 hours I would just get a roommate and do it for free.
Both movies are set to be released on October 22, 2010. For the love of your mother, people... go against your morals and see Paranormal instead. Just be sure to pray after you get out of the theater. You'll no doubt feel like your soul got a piece taken away.
However, Kevin showed a lot of promise with Saw VI so it might not be as bad as the first one.
I just can't stop laughing.
18 January 2010
6-0, baby...
We just crushed Edmonton, 6-0. It feels really great to bleed blue and burgundy sometimes.
Cumiskey and Duchene had a 2-goal night. They are really stepping up to the plate and performing well.
Cumiskey and Duchene had a 2-goal night. They are really stepping up to the plate and performing well.
11 January 2010
Well how about that...
HOJ was re-opened. The entire section for off topic conversations has been removed (including music, celebrities, games, site links, random, etc.)
Layout is a little different but it'll be easy to get used to. I'm just happy they brought it back. I went there to discuss Saw and Saw related things. I can get used to just discussing Saw and Saw related things. No use in doing much else, I suppose. That's what started all that shit in the first place.
Layout is a little different but it'll be easy to get used to. I'm just happy they brought it back. I went there to discuss Saw and Saw related things. I can get used to just discussing Saw and Saw related things. No use in doing much else, I suppose. That's what started all that shit in the first place.
10 January 2010
Best news yet...
Trent Reznor has confirmed new Nine Inch Nails material will be released in 2010 along with material from a new project.
HELL YES!!!
I love that guy. I don't care if he's married now. I still just want to hug him.
HELL YES!!!
I love that guy. I don't care if he's married now. I still just want to hug him.
09 January 2010
I freakin' <3 zombies...
I read this a little while ago and it made me think Hollywood still has a chance. That is, if they do it right.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies starring Natalie Portman... Epic, lol.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies starring Natalie Portman... Epic, lol.
Oh, come on...
We lost to the Hurricanes? The Hurricanes?!
Come on, guys. We're entering the critical part of the season now. We can't afford to make mistakes like this. We actually have a chance at the playoffs this year. Don't blow it!
Come on, guys. We're entering the critical part of the season now. We can't afford to make mistakes like this. We actually have a chance at the playoffs this year. Don't blow it!
08 January 2010
06 January 2010
Mmm mmm good...
Pineapple juice mixed with pineapple rum = delicious
Pineapple rum mixed with pineapple sherbet and sugar in a blender = even better
Pineapple rum mixed with pineapple sherbet and sugar in a blender = even better
05 January 2010
Don't call me GaGa...
I have been on a real kick of listening to Lady GaGa in the past week or so and I discovered the trick to this girl... at least, I think I did.
If you can get past how weird she is and actually listen to the music you'll find that it isn't half bad. My complaint that all of her songs pretty much sound the same remains, but she creates catchy songs and it has an 80's-like element that I really like. The electronic sounds and beats are well blended and she actually has a good voice. If you listen to live performances you can really hear the range and clarity of her voice that you don't hear on a recorded track. It is impressive and very surprising.
I was able to get past the fact that she likes to walk around with a birds nest on her face or dripping blood from her top on MTV and I'm kind of glad I did. Give her a chance, people...
If you can get past how weird she is and actually listen to the music you'll find that it isn't half bad. My complaint that all of her songs pretty much sound the same remains, but she creates catchy songs and it has an 80's-like element that I really like. The electronic sounds and beats are well blended and she actually has a good voice. If you listen to live performances you can really hear the range and clarity of her voice that you don't hear on a recorded track. It is impressive and very surprising.
I was able to get past the fact that she likes to walk around with a birds nest on her face or dripping blood from her top on MTV and I'm kind of glad I did. Give her a chance, people...
02 January 2010
Olympic cheer is in the air...
So the 2010 US Olympic hockey roster was released...
Goalies:
Ryan Miller (Buffalo Sabres)
Jonathan Quick (Los Angeles Kings)
Tom Thomas (Boston Bruins)
Defensemen:
Erik Johnson (St. Louis Blues)
Jack Johnson (Los Angeles Kings)
Mike Komisarek (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Paul Martin (New Jersey Devils)
Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)
Brian Rafalski (Detroit Red Wings)
Ryan Suter (Nashville Predators)
Forwards:
David Backes (St. Louis Blues)
Dustin Brown (Los Angeles Kings)
Ryan Callahan (New York Rangers)
Chris Drury (New York Rangers)
Patrick Kane (Chicago Blackhawks)
Ryan Kesler (Vancouver Canucks)
Phil Kessel (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Jamie Langenbrunner (New Jersey Devils)
Ryan Malone (Tampa Bay Lightning)
Zack Parise (New Jersey Devils)
Joe Pavelski (San Jose Sharks)
Bobby Ryan (Anaheim Ducks)
Paul Stastny (Colorado Avalanche)
I'm kind of surprised Craig Anderson didn't make the roster. He has had a great season so far and has made the NHL Star of the week list numerous times, if I recall correctly. The neck injury that stuck us with Budaj (who also made an Olympic team) for a week was just bad luck.
At least we got some representation with Stastny, though. Lucky for us he didn't choose to play for Canada. That dual-citizenship of his could work to his advantage.
Goalies:
Ryan Miller (Buffalo Sabres)
Jonathan Quick (Los Angeles Kings)
Tom Thomas (Boston Bruins)
Defensemen:
Erik Johnson (St. Louis Blues)
Jack Johnson (Los Angeles Kings)
Mike Komisarek (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Paul Martin (New Jersey Devils)
Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)
Brian Rafalski (Detroit Red Wings)
Ryan Suter (Nashville Predators)
Forwards:
David Backes (St. Louis Blues)
Dustin Brown (Los Angeles Kings)
Ryan Callahan (New York Rangers)
Chris Drury (New York Rangers)
Patrick Kane (Chicago Blackhawks)
Ryan Kesler (Vancouver Canucks)
Phil Kessel (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Jamie Langenbrunner (New Jersey Devils)
Ryan Malone (Tampa Bay Lightning)
Zack Parise (New Jersey Devils)
Joe Pavelski (San Jose Sharks)
Bobby Ryan (Anaheim Ducks)
Paul Stastny (Colorado Avalanche)
I'm kind of surprised Craig Anderson didn't make the roster. He has had a great season so far and has made the NHL Star of the week list numerous times, if I recall correctly. The neck injury that stuck us with Budaj (who also made an Olympic team) for a week was just bad luck.
At least we got some representation with Stastny, though. Lucky for us he didn't choose to play for Canada. That dual-citizenship of his could work to his advantage.
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